10 February 2007

Moving On

I had dinner with my ex-boyfriend last night. I had a very stressful week at work -- more on that in another post, maybe -- and I just couldn't concentrate, and I thought, maybe if I arrange to talk to him, I'll be able to stop thinking about him and I'll be able to focus on other things.

It worked, sort of. But now I'm profoundly sad again, where previously I'd managed to get to a sort of sad-equilibrium. Oh hell, it made no difference at all in my level of sadness, except that it was great to see him again. He looked perversely handsome, but he seemed sad.

So there we were, at this little Mexican restaurant that was kind of "our" place, talking about work, and our lives, which no longer include each other, and... it just seemed so sad and unnecessary. He obviously still cares about me; he still cares about my son; we still have all the things in common that we used to have; we like talking to each other; and we're still attracted to one another.

But the thing that was the problem -- that he never felt like he was important enough to me ("I know I'll never be first in your life, but I feel like I'm a distant second") even though I swear on all that is holy that when I was with him I was really with him -- is still a problem. The truth is that I have a demanding full-time job, a long commute, a house, two cats, and a four-year-old son I see only briefly in the morning, in the evening, and on weekends, and that doesn't leave much time for a boyfriend, even one I cared about as much as I cared about him. And he's right, there's nothing I can tell him that will convince him that will change, except that with time my son will get more autonomous and need me less, and while he knows that's true, he's too impatient to wait.

So he's moving on, or trying to. And now I have to find a way to do the same.

Anyone have any suggestions?

1 comment:

anish said...

Sorry if this sounds distasteful, but a couple of flings here and there might help. Anyway I am no one to enlighten thee, but sometimes forceful acceptance of even the unacceptable paves way to ultimate acceptance, and the "moved on" status.
Keep a little distance, because being close to him, but not together aint helping matters.

And there are obviously other things you need to focus on anyway, so use them as a distraction.

Anyway all this is easier said than done, but the forceful acceptance bit - that, for me, has worked in the past.

Will stop babbling now.

But I like your posts - you write well - simple and honest - the best kind. =)

Blog on!